Contributed by: filbert Thursday, May 24 2007 @ 08:54 AM CST
Although a majority 87% of respondents agreed that “The world should be brought to submission under global Lutheran conquest and eternal perfect rule,” there was a great deal of disagreement on the means to accomplish it. More than 95% supported “pancake breakfasts” and “popcorn fundraisers,” but support dropped to less than 80% for “cow tipping” and “T-P’ing infidel houses.” Support dropped even more dramatically for more violent means of conquest, such as “suicide bombing” (28%), “decapitation” (24%), and “running over Presbyterians with my Ski-Doo” (23%).
“Taken as a whole, the results show that Midwest Lutherans emphatically support a moderate, mainstream path to world domination,” said Kohut. “These folks are well-assimilated into the broad fabric of American society, and unless you are Presbyterian, there is probably very little here to cause concern.”
Kohut said that optimism about the results should be tempered by the grim economic realities faced by many in the Lutheran community. Nearly 65% of female survey respondents said they lived more than 30 minutes from the nearest outlet mall, while a strong majority of males said they were “often” or “sometimes” worried about having enough money for green fees and Leinenkugel.
(uh, YEAH, it’s parody. Sheesh. Where’s the coffee and sweet rolls?)